Tag: redemption

The Yom Kippur Dare

by Yael Zoldan M.A. Do I ask God for another chance, a chance I know I don’t deserve?

Yom Kippur is here again and I am afraid.

I am not supposed to be afraid. I am supposed to be contemplative, thoughtful and driven to change. I am supposed to feel the privilege of Yom Kippur, the joy of standing before God, our Father and King, who wants to hear us and find us worthy. And I feel all of these things, I do. But mostly, deep down in my soul where the truth lies, I am afraid. The day of reckoning is here again. I have examined myself and I do not find myself worthy.

We are taught that we should find comfort in the thought of God as a loving parent. But this scares me too. Because I am a parent and even in my deep and abiding love for my children I have been snippy and snappish and angry and jealous and spiteful sometimes. I have fallen far short of the standard of mercy, kindness and righteousness that I expected of myself.

Our Sages say that God is our King and we are his servants and I am afraid. Because the world is full of violence and lewdness and inhumanity and its King must not like that.

Last year I stood in shul, dressed in white, and made all kinds of promises. With tears in my eyes and a hole in my heart I stood before my creator and I swore to be different, to be better. To be kinder and gentler, more patient, less judgmental. I meant every word. But as I look back at the year that passed I wonder: How many lies did I tell unknowingly, unwillingly as I stood before God on the holiest day of the year? And does He hold it against me?