By D. PARVAZ
We live in a world where the satisfaction that comes with the resolution of something major is hard to come by.
And it's not just that things are determined in good time -- which Democratic candidate "won" on Super Tuesday, how did Natalie Holloway die, what came of Sen. Larry Craig's resignation, etc. -- it's that few seem to ever finish anything they've started.
Then again, sometimes, the stated mission is nothing short of impossible. Case in point: Will disgraced evangelical pastor Ted Haggard ever be straight again (if he ever was)? He reportedly dropped out of that homosexual rehab (or "restoration" program) he signed up for a year ago. Well. It was not so much a "program" as it was a peculiar sort of voluntary observation.
For those who have forgotten, Haggard was president of the National Association of Evangelicals, a powerful group with about 30 million members. He had serious pull with the Republican Party and even acted as an adviser to President Bush and occasionally -- or every Monday, depending on whom you care to believe -- took and listened in on calls with the president.
Then a former male escort went to the press with the nature of his three-year relationship with the Good Pastor, and a few unconvincing denials later, Haggard was forced to step down not only from his position as leader of the National Association of Evangelicals (a group that fears gays about as much as the Nazis did), but also from his position at Colorado's New Life Church in 2006. But not without a severance package that included his $138,000 salary.
The Rocky Mountain News reported on Thursday that Haggard has "terminated" his relationship with the New Life Church team that was overseeing his metamorphosis from a gay, closeted man who sought the services of escorts and the tooth-grinding thrill of meth, to a straight Christian who is high on life and the Lord. Hmmm. If such transformations were possible, what sort of sway would a group of church officials have that God doesn't? And isn't He always (in theory) watching Haggard? Regardless, it seems like the freaky frankenstraight transformation was far from complete when Haggard pulled the plug on the team, effectively ending his relationship with the church.
"New Life Church issued a statement Tuesday saying it believes that the termination of the relationship is premature, but would not say why," reported the RMN. "Earlier in the process, church leaders had said they assumed that Haggard's recovery could take several years." Or forever. Except ... .
Wasn't it almost precisely a year ago that a New Life Church official told The Denver Post that Haggard was "completely heterosexual" and that Haggard's gayness wasn't "a constant thing"? Or that he had all the tools to "embrace" his heterosexual side?
Back then, Haggard had completed a three-week "intensive," de-gaying program (some sort of spiritual "reparative" therapy) and declared in yet another Colorado paper that "Jesus had put (him) back together." (Why, that was kind of Jesus. Wonder what he did for Haggard's wife and kids?) And here you thought "pray the gay away" existed only on "South Park."
Haggard then signed up to have a team of church "overseers" who were to make sure that he didn't have another one of his homosexual phases again. Regardless, he put an end to being watched, which, according a New Life Church statement, means his transformation from gay to straight is incomplete and that Haggard is still unfit to "return to vocational ministry" there. Maybe the scrutiny was too much for Haggard, and to be honest, there's a part of me that feels sorry for the guy, as greedy, dishonest and hateful as his behavior is. Whether he's Big Gay Ted (he's super, thanks for asking!) or bisexual, he's done a number on himself in terms of not being able to accept -- or be honest about -- who he is.
But look. Here's the thing. This guy was lying to himself, his family and his followers for years. He had the chance to come clean, and he didn't. That's what the guy needs therapy for.
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